Mac's Xmas Website 2010

My Year!  Gosh I’ve been busy……. this is my newsletter.

January – Spain take over the Presidency of the Council of Europe.   Incensed that Wiltshire are never President, I lead a delegation to Brussels via Trowbridge, by train.  I set off for the station but only get as far as the Deacons Alms.  Later, I get home safely.

February – The Winter Olympics.  I enter the Skating contest representing Wiltshire – I have got quite good at “sliding about” on Salisbury’s pavements.  There is an irregularity with my invitation.  I don’t have one.  I am refused entry.  I am not even allowed to demonstrate my "sliding about".  I am incensed.

March – I take part in the boat race.  Oxford, Cambridge and Mac.  I come last.  They never mention me in the television coverage?

April – I audition for Big Brother and am successful.  They want me in the series.  Sadly I find it clashes with my six monthly Dental check up. I cancel at the last moment.  I am devastated, and so are the producers.

May - I run in the London Marathon.  I have always been very fit and a very keen Marathon runner.  The longer the distance the better!  But sometimes it does seem extremely boring. 

June - Glastonbury.  I have been working on a musical setting of my poetry.  The Management seem unaware of my celebrity.  I am told no stage is available.  I am speechless.  Fortunately I am able to provide a unique and intimate performance in front of one of the fast food stalls, quite near to the Cider counter.

August - David Cameron is on holiday.  I am to lead the country in his absence.  At my first PMQ’s in the House, a man in a wig insists I get out of the nice big chair I have found in the middle of the chamber.  I draw a line!  If that’s their attitude, they can make do with Nick Clegg!  I go in search of a big chair elsewhere.

September – I am very excited about taking part in the regional heats of the British Line Dancing Championship.  The Judges claim I cannot dance.  I say my boots are too tight.  They refuse to let me dance barefoot and claim my Stetson is too large and that I cannot see where I am going.  I decide to leave, and eventually find the door.

October - I write to the Board of the Tate Gallery.  I offer my etchings to the Nation.  It is some weeks before I hear from them.  They thank me for my letter (in general terms) and enclose a leaflet of discount rates for elderly people and coach parties.  I imagine they are still debating where to put my etchings.

November – I go speed dating for the first time, and meet a lot of women who don’t want to know how Computers work.  I also drink a lot.  I get confused and eventually find myself sitting opposite a man.  This can’t be right?  I take refuge in a bar.

December – I am worn out. 

Next year I am going to have a much quieter time.  The odd beer, some books and some golf.  I will probably drink quite a lot of tea.  Not much else.  I am also going to try to tell the truth a bit more.

A very happy Christmas to you all - imaginary or otherwise.

Mac