Xmas 2014

Mac’s Christmas Greeting (from an Office Car Park in Salisbury) 2014

It was quite a surprise when my Manager made a rare flying visit, called me in and said they wanted to change my role. The Office I had been in for many years was due to close leaving just one large building in Salisbury – things were changing. They had decided I should move to a hut in the car park.

“Think of it as the evolvement of your role!” he said enthusiastically. “We need someone with experience, with vision, with maturity. Someone comfortable with holding a position of responsibility. With your outstanding record you were the first person we thought of! This is right for you and right for us. I realise it’s a big change – but embrace it. It's because we value you! Be passionate about it! This is the new world!”

“A car park attendant?” I said.

“We’ll give you a special hat?”

He seemed in a hurry to get away. As he made for the door I tried to ask what my “new role” involved.

“Oh, Provide excellent co-ordination of Parking strategy while taking account of all risk appetite mandates and vertically integrated governance and interaction with stakeholders.....complying with and optimising our values.....that sort of thing..." He seemed to stop mid sentence, running out of words, smiled and he was gone.

What did it mean? Maybe I should just decide what it meant? Decide - and not tell anyone. I have spent more than thirty years working in Offices. I know all about stopping people doing things. I know about bureaucracy. I know about committees and forms. I know about rules. And the British are so good at obeying rules – even if they don’t exist. This job is made for me. I can do this.

Since that day – no one has parked in that office car park. No members of the Public. No members of Staff. It is empty. A desert.

"Yes Sir - the new permit system came in yesterday. It is in response to feedback from members of staff like yourself Sir - it is for your benefit Sir...."

"Staff were notified Sir. It was on the Company Car Park Twitter Account some time ago...."

“You will need to apply for a new permit – there is a form on the Internet.” And “Now Sir - if I gave you a form then everyone would want one. What would be the point in that?”

“You want to complain Sir? Can't find the form on the Internet? If you feel you must Sir! You will need to speak to my Manager Sir – you’ll find his details on the form.”

“You may well be the CEO Ma’am – and I only have your word for that - but rules is rules."

"Yes, Sir. If you ring the Helpdesk number. Once you reach the menu just select 6 Sir. Then 5. Then 3. Then 6 again. Then 1....."

As for pleading.....

“I’m sorry Sir – I know the Car Park is completely empty – but it’s more than my jobs worth to make an exception."

And if they are really pushy......

“Of course, they will want you to have a medical Sir.........Now, Now Sir! That sort of language isn't called for!"

My Motto? They shall not pass.

Merry Christmas, and a happy New Year! And don’t park here!

Onwards!

Mac