Happy Christmas from Mac!! 

We've all had a lot of time on our hands this year.  But have you made the most of it?  Have you tried to improve yourself? 

At some point you think - I really must do something new.  Innovate.  Show my intellectual abilities.  If I did, people would think I am really...you know...really...

I made a list of things I should do.  Things that would really impress people.

Self Improvement Plan - Number 1

Number one on my list is - Teach yourself Etruscan.

 

Not many people speak Etruscan. 

I think it's a pretty good bet that in The Village Freehouse there are no Etruscan speakers. 

It's not really an Etruscan Pub.

 

Maybe that's why?

www.amazon.com/Complete-Idiots-Guide-Etruscan-For-Beginners

Self Improvement Plan - Number 2

Backgrounds for Video Meetings

 

I have seen an opening in the market.  Those bookcases behind people in meetings. 

You can't have Jilly Coopers complete works, the MAD Christmas Annual 1982 and a row of VHS Videos including Friday the Thirteenth Part XIII.  What are people saying about you?? 

You need lots of really unreadable stuff.  That would impress people.  Sartre, Rimbaud, Chekhov, Nietzsche, Dostoevsky.

No one has read Dostoevsky.  Even the Russians don't read Dostoevsky.

You only need the bookends.  Flat packed with easy assembly instructions? 

www.cleverbastardbookcases.com/sales

Self Improvement Plan - Number 3

Cooking

 

People don't talk about this - but its true.  Men really like telling other men that they can cook.  Often loudly.

Women never tell me anything about cooking but men go on and on about it.  The less interested I am the more insistent they are.  

"Let me tell you how I do it..."  No!  Don't!

I've got their number.  I'm going to make a series of Videos about cooking.  They are going to be so upset....

But how do I make a Video about cooking without actually having any idea what I'm doing?

Confidence.  And speak loudly.  And wave your arms around a lot. I don't have to actually eat it.

And don't call it anything they'd every heard of.

Just lots of chopping, and chucking in dishes and pots, and shaking pans around and saying how nice it looks when it doesn't.

Invent lots of ingredients.  Hold up pots and tins and tell the viewer they contain - anything you like.  They won't know.

No one can ever find all the ingredients so don't try to.  Get some jars from the garden centre - it's nearer.  It doesn't matter if its dangerous.

Finally - remember no one watches these things through to the end so after a while - just point the camera at a pot or the oven and leave it for a bit.  That should do it!  

www.youtube.com/betyoucantcookthis

Self Improvement Plan - Number 4  

Weight loss
 

After putting weight on in the first lockdown - I now need to think about losing it in the second lockdown.  (Or is it the third?) 

Losing weight is really hard - because sooner or later you have to do some exercise.  Exercise, in principle, is fine.  Its fine - if other people do it.  But do you really want to do it? 

And in Lockdown you feel so lethargic that just getting off the sofa to go the kitchen is a struggle.

I have a plan!

Every time I go into Town I will attach a small cushion to my belly under my shirt.  Brilliant. 

No one I see will say anything to me - they are too polite.

But afterwards they will say "He's put on an awful lot of weight.  I didn't believe it until I saw him.  He's really let himself go.  He's so fat I could easily have believed he had a cushion down his shirt...."

Then - when the Lockdown is over - I shall walk out the door cushionless! 

Instant weight loss!  And people will be amazed!  Doesn't matter if you are still fat - you'll be a lot slimmer than the last time anyone saw you.

I shall say

"No pain no gain!  And of course I did an awful lot of exercise.  Running every day.  Sometimes two or three times a day.  I had a hard talk with myself - a very hard talk, and said - you've just got to do it...  Run that is.  Run and run and run.  You can take it from me.  I know."

 

I am beginning to enjoy being in Lockdown.  This is not good.  They had better vaccinate us all soon!.

Happy Christmas!!. 

Mac